Who Has the Key to My Door?
We all feel overwhelmed. We are stressed, emotionally wrung out, stretched thin.
Some of the disruption is due to factors beyond our control. Pandemic, work from home, layoffs, foreclosures and evictions, food shortages. We may spend our time coping with these conditions, trying to be as accountable as possible.
And then there are things that we can do something about (but often don’t), things we can exert control to take care, to maintain boundaries. They require awareness, recognition, choice and courage to stand up for one’s values, boundaries and dignity. They may occur against a backdrop of a drift of practices with an unintended consequence of cramping personal choice and expression, diminishing quality of life.
At work, what have you experienced? Scheduling where anyone could get into and onto your calendar. Assumptions of availability and responsiveness 24/7. Transactions without a felt sense of connection. Meetings without agenda or articulated context. Email requests with an implied acceptance in the silence. Conversational habits of reacting with an automatic “yes” to a request.
I coached several senior managers and executives at a company where a number of the above practices were rampant and part of the culture. In every instance, the impact was increased stress and overwhelm, decreased well-being, and a mood of resignation. When asked what might be done differently to shift the situation in a positive direction, I was often met with silence and blank stares. What do you mean? Something I can do? Further questions elicited assumptions of “it is what it is” and “nothing I can do.” Further poking began to reveal blind spots about one’s capacity to design aspects of one’s life and experience.
I can set boundaries for myself? I can build in a bio break between meetings? I can ask clarifying questions about the context for this conversation? I can say “no” to a request (or at least counteroffer) in order to responsibly manage my capacity and priorities? I can establish new practices for how we work with each other that are mindful and supportive of taking care of relationships and productivity?
Marcel Proust, 19th century French novelist, famously observed that “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes.” New eyes imply a new observer. A new observer can see things not seen before. First and foremost, what’s now visible is one’s responsibility and opportunity to exercise self-leadership, to take care of oneself. These are variations of putting on one’s own mask first.
Before, when a colleague came to me with a request, I was an automatic “yes,” without regard for my current commitments and priorities. Sometimes it worked out all right, other times not so much. I now see I can pause (interrupting my reaction); commit to commit later (“can I get back to you by close of business today with an answer?”); check on my current capacity and commitments; and then give my informed reply.
Before, the company culture supported our scheduling meetings on others’ calendars. Now I can set aside certain days/time periods as unavailable to be scheduled. I can discuss and set new expectations about how we coordinate action together. Over time, these can become widely understood and accepted practices. I can potentially shift my subculture, even if I can’t affect the larger culture. I will probably have my doubts and discomfort, concern about others’ assessments of me and my disruption of their old habits. Time to get over it.
Our opportunities for exercising self-leadership are more numerous than we can imagine. We can choose to manage our boundaries better, become role models for others to do likewise. In so doing, we can contribute to influencing and institutionalizing more humane working circumstances. And circumstances outside of work too. In fact, all such issues are essentially life issues.
Where have you taken a stand and made a choice to regulate a boundary in a way that made a difference? How did it work out? What did you learn? Please share. We have things to learn from each other about creativity and courage and compassion and…
#selfleadership #designyourlife #boundarysetting